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由于我数个小时前放的帖子《佛教历史幻想曲》用到一些佛教徒版主不喜悦,粗俗,非文明的【違規字句】,所以终于被河蟹掉了。
为了让各位还没来得及看这个帖子的朋友继续欣赏这篇搞怪文章同时又不需看到这类【違規字句】,伤到眼睛,损了身心灵,以致脑健康水平下降,心智不稳定,百病丛生,修行倒退,严重的话甚至会让心灵脆弱的佛教徒们口吐白沫,手足抽搐,因此各位在这里看的将会是《Bersih 版》,“像螺贝一般洁净”* 的语言文字(*抄自《中部》125经)。
(要看原汁原味版请点入我的魔界的连接:《神我合一的乌托邦》)
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晚上阅读佛教历史时,突然对佛教历史发展有不同幻想。因此,续上次佛教演义《乌托邦教主死后...》,这次再来一个玩转佛教的幻想曲。
佛教到底是如何发展出来的呢?其实,短短一句话就能够大概搞清楚佛教由古至今不同人物,不同宗派的发展时间线与及他们的立场。先声明,有些笑话可能会让人摸不着头脑,但是假设能搞明白所有笑点,就证明你的跨宗派佛教知识合格。
(以下对白只是笔者以个人对该角色和宗派立场的刻板印象所设计,不完全代表他们,仅此通告)
佛陀:xxxx xx, let go, meditate
阿难:Buddha said we can loosen up
大迦叶:No!
部派:What is mind?
般若中观:Your mind and the world are empty
瑜伽唯识:Your mind and the world are not empty, in fact the world is your mind
如来藏派:Your mind is both empty and not empty, in fact the world is your mind, so the
world is both empty and not empty too
中观应成派:xxxx xxx world, sky, earth, space, everything!
中观自续派:xxxx 应成派!
菩萨道:Sorry I can't hear you, busy with xxxxxxx!
净土:xxxx xx, chant Buddha's name, bye bye cruel world and Samsara
华严:The world is bigger than the world itself, but I don't even know what am I
saying
天台:The world is empty, fake, and neither empty nor fake, so lets meditate
禅宗:The world has nothing to do with you, so xxxx xxx xxxx xx, either meditate
quietly or ask xxxxx xxx xxxx were you before you were born
北宗:Clean the xxxx on the mirror
南宗:There's no xxxx or mirror
曹洞:Just meditate
临济:Just ask some unanswerable question, whether you do or not I'll still xxxxx xxxx
xxx!
律宗:You guys just broke rule number 10.34, so according to rule number 112.45, you
all are banned from the Sangha
唯识,三论, 俱舍,成实 ,地论,摄论,涅磐:Does anybody remember us?
东密:Chant Buddha's name, visualize Buddha's image, joint your finger together until
they're knotted, TADA! You're Buddha now, no, you're always Buddha
宁玛:Great Perfection, Great Eye, Great Rest
噶举:Great Hand Seal, Great Fire, Great Sleep, Great Light, Great Illusion, Great Bardo,
Great Dying Time
萨迦:You're Buddha from the beginning, in the middle, till the end
格鲁:Rules are not meant to be broken, lets do everything step by step
觉囊:Somebody help me!
事部:I'm chanting while having shower
行部:Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong
瑜伽部:So many stuff to memorize, arhhhh!
无上瑜伽部:I'm so happy but I still feel empty
马哈希:Vipassana is enough
帕奥:Samantha is important too
葛印卡:Sit and get electrified!
阿姜曼:Naughty some more? I'll xxxxx xxxx xxx!
阿姜查:I'm Ajahn Chah, but there is no Ajahn Chah, and I'll xxxxx xxxx xxx too
阿姜苏美多:Oh xxxx, Oh yes
阿姜布拉姆:Jhana is king
曾银湖:Follow the oldest tradition, no wait, we've lost the tradition, there's no tradition!
达摩悟陀:Follow 4 Major Nikaya+ 6/18 Khuddaka Nikaya + Vinaya, Abhidhamma and
Visuddhimagga xxxxx!
锡兰+缅甸派:No!
月溪:So many xxxxxxx up there
南怀瑾:You are the biggest xxxxxx!
净空:Did I say 2012 is the end of the world? I mean yes but no!
印顺:Guys learn some history
证严:Sorry teacher! I think I'm only good in doing good
圣严:I got A+ in history, yeah!
萧平实:You all are xxxxxxx, 圣严 are faker, 印顺 xx xx xxxx! Wait a minute, how to say
"xx xx xxxx" in Tibetan?
卢胜彦:I'm the true Buddha!
Vishnu:No! I'm Buddha's real identity
佛陀:How can I be blue when I'm good at meditation? You Liar!
卢胜彦:Then I'm the true Buddha!
佛陀: I'm not a xxxxx either
本帖最后由 白布飘扬 于 8-11-2014 03:38 PM 编辑
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